Hello 2019

I saw some incredibly imaginative and lovely poetry on Weibo and was blown away. It made me realize poetry could be written in such a wonderful way, and I immediately wanted to learn how!

I also saw the work of a young Japanese painter on Twitter, and the compositions, emotional depth, and sheer imagination were all incredibly brilliant. It made me want to try expressing the images in my own mind too!

A couple of days ago, while watching Star Trek, I learned about Klingon. It’s a language specifically created by the production team for the aliens in the show, and they even provide Klingon subtitles for the series! What’s more, over 250,000 Klingon dictionaries have been sold, Google has a Klingon version of its search engine, and Duolingo even offers courses in it. I thought, ‘It’s incredibly cool how far they’ve developed this sci-fi spin-off!’ I want to learn it!

Recently, I’ve been watching My Brilliant Friend, captivated by Lila’s charisma and struck by the subtle nuances of their friendship. I also found myself thinking how beautiful the Italian language sounds – I want to learn it!

And there are so many more examples just like these. This is my daily life; every few months, I find myself opening the door to a completely new world.

Even though I spend most of my time alone, I never feel bored or lonely, because there are simply so many fascinating things out there. I’m curious about everything I don’t know – I want to try it, understand it, and learn everything I consider ‘cool’.

Of course, my definition of ‘cool’ isn’t quite the same as most people’s; for me, if I find something interesting, it’s cool. For example, I think people who read a lot are cool, poets are cool, artists who can create beautiful paintings are cool, photographers who take stunning pictures are cool, and filmmakers and TV producers who make great shows are cool. People who write excellent software are cool, those who can articulate novel ideas are cool, those willing to express their thoughts freely are cool, and those who challenge authority are cool. Others might not see it this way, but I also think I’m pretty cool.

When I first entered university, I was full of enthusiasm. But gradually, influenced by the environment, the rote lectures from teachers, and a myriad of meaningless, disorganized regulations, my passion slowly dwindled away.

I can say with complete conviction that ordinary Chinese universities are places where students’ curiosity and passion for learning are stifled. That’s not education; it’s merely a different setting for continued control. When I saw how so-called top Chinese universities handled situations like the Shenyang incident earlier this year, and witnessed Peking University’s suppression of students who dared to stand up for workers’ rights, even disbanding their Marxist Society, I thought, ‘Ha, even these prestigious schools are no different; they’re just as corrupt and murky.’ When freedom is disallowed in university campuses, places that should be championing liberty and justice, I became utterly disillusioned with such institutions.

In the months since graduation, having ample time to reflect on myself, I’ve gradually rediscovered who I am. I’ve reclaimed my innate curiosity, my passion for the unknown, my desire to explore, and my drive to try new things. I want to see a bigger world, and I want to express myself.

I write something from time to time, 80% for self-expression and 20% for communication. It’s not to be unconventional or stand out; it’s just that sometimes, if I don’t write down certain thoughts, they’ll linger in my mind for days, then weeks, refusing to dissipate. I want to communicate, yet I’m also afraid to, fearing I won’t know how to respond.

I believe self-expression doesn’t have to be confined to a single form. Sometimes I use words, sometimes drawing, sometimes photography. I’ve also tried writing poetry and coding, and in the future, I might even shoot some short videos. I simply want to express myself in the most fitting way, the way that best conveys my inner thoughts. It doesn’t necessarily need to be seen by many, but I still hope for at least a few viewers.

I never got high marks for essays in school, haven’t formally studied drawing, and I’m just starting to dabble in photography. But I’m not afraid to try, nor am I afraid of being laughed at, because my goal is more about expression than performance. To be honest, as someone who is barely noticeable if I don’t speak, someone with an extremely low presence, being seen at all is a rare gift. Precisely because of this low presence – lacking outstanding talent or looks, not having a ton of friends with unavoidable parties, and without excess attention – I’ve gained greater freedom than others, the freedom to act and think as I please.

I bought a VPS and set up my own VPN so I could see a bigger, more exciting world. I watched tutorials to learn how to build a blog, add small features, and set up an image hosting service. This allows me to write freely, without worrying about sensitive keywords or fear of posts being deleted or accounts blocked. I’m studying data science and machine learning, preparing to become a data-oriented programmer. The computer is a universal tool; with it, I can do many things I couldn’t before.

I want to know how the world works, why the world we see is the way it is. I want to know if aliens truly exist, if Elon Musk will actually immigrate to Mars. I want to know how different cultures are formed, how different systems evolve, what role trade truly plays between nations, why there are wars, how black markets are formed, and why women’s status has been marginalized and often oppressed throughout most of history. I want to know why humans experience joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness; whether personality is more a product of nature or nurture; what mysteries genes hold; why marriage exists and whether the institution of marriage is reasonable; why there are so many sexual orientations; and what Foucault’s books truly say…

Because of this curiosity, this yearning to know, these are my motivations for living. That’s why I want to live as long as possible – so I can learn as much as I can.

I feel despair about society. Every day, reading social news, I’m filled with sadness and anger, unsure what else I can do. Why are so many people still suffering from unjust oppression? Why haven’t they received the justice they deserve? Why can human nature be so evil? Why can some ‘drink human blood’ (exploit others) and feel completely justified? Why do those whose own blood is being ‘drunk’ (who are being exploited) still curse those who refuse to partake and urge others not to? Why have the governed been trained to automatically think from the perspective of their rulers? I am deeply saddened, I am furious, and I still want to know the answers to these questions.

Humans are a collection of contradictions. I feel despair about society, yet I can still be full of passion for life and the world. This is how I keep my soul alive in this despairing environment.

The internet is both my eyes and my legs. It takes me to places I cannot physically go, allows me to see brilliant individuals shining in every corner of the world, and lets me experience different cultures and the clash of diverse perspectives.

Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019. In the new year, I hope to continue living life in a way that I love.

{% centerquote %} We only fear what we don’t know; the more we know, the less we fear. by Lila, My Brilliant Friend {% endcenterquote %}